i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
