K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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