I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
whose parrot is this?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
