i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
