A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
