No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
