you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You were trust falling into bushes
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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