If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Drunk is not a location!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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