Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
