the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
