You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
