Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
