My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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