its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
