now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
