he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
