Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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