I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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