So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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