Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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