please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
