The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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