My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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