All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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