My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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