I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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