if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
