My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You left your phone here
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