Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
