I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
