everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
