he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
