I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
