i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
