I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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