My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Randomize
