ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
