Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Randomize
