my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
