if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We smell like vodka and hangover
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