I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
