Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize