Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
