you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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