After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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