i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
