I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
