just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
