No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
