I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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