That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
