It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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