you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
