The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
