She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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